For the next 30 days, we will be doing a series of bad puns about MLB GM’s. There are 30 GM’s so that’s why it’s 30 days…duh. Each dumb pun will be accompanied by a bad Photoshop.
Ruben Amaro Studdard
Category Archives: Randomness
A Journey Into the Mind of Heath Bell
This past Saturday night, Heath Bell blew his seventh save of the season. His catastrophic outings have spawned #TheHeathBellExperience and the baseball internet just loves to bash him on a seemingly nightly basis. But what’s his side of the story?
Here is a brief journey into the mind of Heath Bell.
“Welp, another day, another four runs allowed. Might as well wear a questionable graphic t-shirt and take a selfie in an elevator”
“Really? You’ve got a two run lead with the heart of the order coming up and you’re bringing ME in? Hilarious.”
“haha I’m a baseball pitcher”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BASES ARE LOADED AND NOBODY’S OUT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
Dumb GM Puns, Day: Jack ZZ Top
For the next 30 days, we will be doing a series of bad puns about MLB GM’s. There are 30 GM’s so that’s why it’s 30 days…duh. Each dumb pun will be accompanied by a bad Photoshop.
JACK ZZ TOP
Ryan Braun’s Actual Apology Letter
Earlier today CFB did some digging into the Ryan Braun scandal. Here is the original first draft we found in Braun’s apartment.
Dear Mom Fellow Players The World,
I am really really sorry for what I did. I know it was wrong for me to take durgs. PED’s aren’t just the first three letters in the word pedophile, they are bad durgs that are awesome harmful to the human body.
To all the hot girls kids: I’m sorry I let you down. The world should be a place where kids can trust the players they look up to and I am sorry that I fucked messed that up for you.
To my teammates: Thanks for stabbing me in the back sticking by my side when things got rough. It’s good to know that I always have a great bed clubhouse to fall back on.
Baseball Pornstar Names
These are all real baseball players who should probably consider a career change.
Orioles: Sammie Starr, Zelous Wheeler, Kyler Newby
D-Backs: Taylor Sinclair, Bubu Garcia
Braves: Terry Tiffe, Ryne Harper, Navery Moore, Alex Wood, Donovan Drake
Cubs: Ty’relle Harris, Blake Lalli, Junior Lake, Dallas Beeler, Trey McNutt, Taylor Scott
White Sox: Dallas McPherson, Trayce Thompson, Shane Lindsey, Courntney Hawkins
Reds: Brian Peacock, Corky Miller, Brodie Greene, Justice French
Indians: Justin Toole, Alexis Parades, Louis Head, Kieran Lovegrove,
Rockies: Tyler Johnson, Alex White, Royce Ring, Parker Frazier, Taylor Featherston
#SCOUTING Through the Eyes of Microsoft
Before I begin to dissect what might be the greatest commercial in baseball internet history, I just wanted to apologize for the severe lack of content on my end here at CFB. I’ve been sorta busy but there isn’t really any excuse and I also realize it totally doesn’t matter considering most of y’all only read our stupid tweets but yeah. We’re gonna have a post early next week about what CFB is gonna be once we’re both in college and trying to get an education, but for now we’re gonna try to “produce” a few stupid things over the next few days.
ANYWAY.
A few months ago, Microsoft came out with this advertisement to promote their new tablet, the Microsoft Surface, as a legit competitor for the iPad. Here it is:
Hopefully this isn’t the first time you’ve watched it, but whatever. I’ve now watched it about 20 times and I am prepared to ask a lot of questions.
Okay, the scene is set. There is a left-handed pitcher throwing to a catcher while a guy who is probably his coach is out there right next to the mound watching him. There are a few other players in the outfield. This seems to be a college field or some other amateur level. If this is a game, or even pre-game warm ups, why is the coach out there at all? Okay, let’s just move on.
Oh god. As the catcher receives the ball, we get a glimpse of what this scene is really about. Two questionably dressed men on the left holding two different types of tablet. Oh, and a nice black gentleman in a track suit with a radar gun. Mr. Track Suit doesn’t seem to be doing anything with his radar gun readings, as his other hand is just chillin’ in his pocket. The only two spectators behind home plate seem to be washed up players who do not want to be at this game.
This Is An Octavio Dotel Appreciation Post
For those of you that don’t know, Octavio Dotel is awesome. I felt like it was time to let the world know that Mr. Dotel is a savior, a superhero, and a saint. So buckle up, latch in, and get ready because this is about to be a doozy.
Octavio Dotel Has Played For 13 Teams
This segment of Dotel’s legacy has been well documented. The sheer fact that a major league baseball player played for thirteen years is absurd, let alone thirteen teams. I bet the random guy on the street can’t even name thirteen teams. “What is a Rockies?” he would say.
To put the number thirteen in perspective; so you know how it feels like Casper Wells is on a new team every week? Well Casper Wells has played for only five teams, and if you are good at math you know that’s seven less than Dotel’s thirteen.
Happy Darvish Day ! (Start #19)
It’s been a while since I did one of these, so it felt right to bring it back tonight as Darvish is coming off the DL to face the Yankees at home. Despite missing a few starts due to injury, Darvish is tied for the major league lead in strikeouts with 157 in 119.1 innings. Tonight, he will face a desecrated Yankees lineup and should be able to strike out Luis Cruz more than once. In case you forgot how fantastic Yu is, here’s a refresher:
The Chevy “Strong” Commercial (CFB Remix)
Everyone who watched the Home Run Derby experienced the longest commercial in the history of the world, courtesy of Chevy. It was painful and patriotic and had very little to do with Chevy, as usual. We decided to create our own version of this monstrosity. It might be even worse. It includes…
- Bronson Arroyo
- Old Ibanez
- Dallas Latos
- All the naked 1990’s shortstops
- Jose Bautista
- More Bronson
- Alfonso Soriano and his blue Hummer
- Christ Davis working overtime
- Bills are piling up (Billy Butler and Billy Hamilton)
- Tough-E Gosewisch
- Terry Francona
- Buster and Timmy
- Rock Shoulders
- Raffy Palmeiro in court
- ALL THE SUNS
- Brayan Pena goes down
- Naked Giancarlo Stanton
- More Bronson
Sorry/you’re welcome.
#CFB
Part 8: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?
It’s been several months since I’ve done one of these, but going back and looking at the ones I’d stockpiled inspired me to return to this investigative game.
TAIJUAN AND TOM WALKER
This is a tough one to discuss without any serious spoilers, but let’s just say Taijuan Walker’s cutter will never be nearly as dangerous as any of the weapons Tom wields during his stint on Homeland. Obvious racial similarities be damned, I can’t be convinced by this link until Taijaun goes missing and becomes a national security threat.
% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 8%
ADAM MORGAN AND ADAMS MORGAN
Jake did a helpful Venn diagram way back that sums this one up pretty well.
% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 74%
YORDANO AND ACE VENTURA
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 