The 2013 CFB Name All-Star Team

Before the season and before anyone really read our stuff, Jake and I did team-by-team previews for every team in baseball. They had very little analysis and a whole lot of #analysis. You can find them here. One of my favorite parts of these previews was Jake coming up with what we now refer to as CFB Names for every player in each projected starting lineup. I’ve got a few favorites from this absurd collection. These is my personal All-Star team solely based on these names. Warning: they’re REALLY stupid.

CATCHER: My Tweeters

FIRST BASE: Yawn Dora Lawn Zone

SECOND BASE: Triscuits

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A New and Improved Mount Rushmore

In our last trip to Hagerstown, we watched diminutive second base prospect Tony Renda play the game of baseball. Renda, a part of the Nationals organization, has a healthy crop of players ahead of him at his position. Potentially including top prospect Anthony Rendon. We quickly realized: Rendon renders Renda useless. One thing lead to another and…

…here we have the most beautiful Mount Rushmore you could possible recreate. Tony Renda, Anthony Rendon, Tigers “closer” Bruce Rondon, and the top prospect for the 2014 draft, left-hander Carlos Rodon.

Basically, RDNROENDRONDOENRODNEONRNDENODNENDNDNEORNDNENRN. 

So Kyle Blanks Walked Off the Phillies…

Last night, Padres first baseman/outfielder/resident gargantuan scored the tying run in the bottom of the ninth when Carlos Ruiz allowed a passed ball. In the bottom of the tenth, Blanks hit a walk-off single with the bases loaded to win the game for San Diego. None of this matters because I’ve been waiting for Kyle Blanks to do something interesting just to remind everyone that

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Puigseases

Recently, terms like Puigmania and Puigsanity have floated around the inter-webs. These conditions are serious and must be taken completely seriously. While not deadly, all Puig-related diseases are extremely contagious. Here is a real list of other “Puig-seases” to watch out for.

Puig-arrhea: Symptoms include an uncontrollable urge to release Puigs in various places.

Puig-abetes: Watch how much Puig you intake because it could effect your blood sugar.

The Chicken Puigs: Tiny Puigs will break out all over your body. Don’t scratch unless you want scars.

ADHPuig: You won’t be able to pay attention to anyone else but Puig.

O-Puig-sity: Nearly two thirds of Americans suffer from this. It’s only getting worse.

Scarlet Puig-ver: If you have heat flashes that only Cuban athletes can satisfy, seek immediate help.

Puig-raines:  A splitting Puig-ache. You have a constant need to swing at the first thing that comes anywhere near you.

Puig-atosis: You breath will start to smell like Puig. And that’s something nobody wants to be around.

Puig-monia: You’ll be vomiting up Puigs for days. Highly unpleasant.

Puig-ingitis: Little Puigs crawl up and down your spinal cord and swing violently at each vertebrae as if they’re first pitch fastballs.

Her-Puigs: It’s exactly what you think it is, and it’s awful. Use protection.

Puig-rectile Dysfunction (PD): If you have a Puig longer than four hours, contact your doctor.

The Most Predictable CFB Post of All Time: The Best Names of the 2013 MLB Draft

You were expecting a list of the best names from this year’s First Year Player Draft ?

Arizona Diamondbacks: 

  • Pick #300: RHP Jimmie Sherfy – University of Oregon (Oregon)
  • Pick #750: RHP Bud Jeter – Presbyterian College (South Carolina)
  • Pick #840: RHP Jimmy Shuttlesworth – Faulkner University (Alabama)
  • Pick #900: 2B Denver Chavez – Cal Poly-San Luis Obispo (California)
  • Pick #1050: RHP Tyler Toyfair – University of Massachusetts Lowell (Massachusetts)

Atlanta #BARVES:

  • Pick #223: RHP Ian Stiffler – Somerset Senior High School (Pennsylvania)
  • Pick #283: 3B Dylan Manwaring – Horseheads High School (New York)
  • Pick #313: 3B Ian Hagenmiller – Palm Beach Central High School (Florida)
  • Pick #793: RHP Dakota Dill – Sul Ross State University (Texas)
  • Pick #913: RHP Sterling Sharp – North Farmington High School (Michigan)

Baltimore Orioles:

  • Pick #61: C Chance Sisco – Santiago High School (California)
  • Pick #399: RHP Jimmy Yacabonis – Saint Joseph’s University (Pennsylvania)
  • Pick #909: SS Federico Castagnini – Creighton University (Nebraska)
  • Pick #1029: RHP Parker Bugg – Rancho Bernando High School (California)
  • Pick #1179: LHP Augey Bill – University of Arizona (Arizona)

Boston Red Sox:

  • Pick #45: RHP Teddy Stankiewicz – Seminole State University (Oklahoma)
  • Pick #233: OF Forest Allday – University of Central Arkansas (Arkansas)
  • Pick #713: 3B Jantzen Witte – Texas Christian University (Texas)
  • Pick #743: RHP Derik Beauprez – Cherry Creek High School (Colorado)
  • Pick #923: 1B Ryan Rippee – Jefferson College (Missouri)

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Jake’s Draft Trinkets

Hello all. The draft! Yay!!!!

Houston Astros: March Apple

  • I totally thought Kevin died, good to see he lives on.
  • I’m sure Appel will fit in great in the most Christian city in America? Maybe?
  • I love Appel’s floor almost as much as Appel loves Jesus Christ.

Chicago Cubs: Crisp Rye Ant

  • Kerry Wood in the house is giving everyone the sads.
  • Two Christs in a row.
  • “Jayson Werth, Troy Glaus, and Pat Burrell rolled into one.”

Colorado Rockies: Joan Ass Thing Ray

  • Think about just how far he could throw in Coors.
  • Can’t tell if this is a Superman ad or Gray’s fastball. Huzzah.

Minnesota Twins: Cold Steward

  • Good to see Tony Oliva’s wilting face.
  • From Tomball, Texas, which sounds like a game Tom made up.
  • Player Comparison: Josh Beckett (Does that mean he golfs and acts like a drunk hobo too? Go Twins!)

Cleveland Indians: Clit Rager

  • Rumor around town is that Indians will take hometown kid Sitting Bull.
  • Do you want some sushi with that ginger?
  • That is the least Indian looking Indian ever, besides Nick Swisher.
  • Frazier is clearly ecstatic to be going to Cleveland… said no one ever.

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Part 6: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

This is how all umpires should call third strikes. 

Click here for Part 5. 

TREVOR AND JACK BAUER

These are two crafty individuals that not many people fully understand. While Jack Bauer has saved the entire nation on multiple occasions, Trevor has yet to record a save in his entire career in pro ball. This clearly works against this attempt at relation, but I still have hope. They both spend a lot of time with people pointing guns at them and they both enjoy long walks on the beach and cold pizza. Jack is much more in control when the going gets tough, while Trevor can panic in a hurry.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 31%

JASON AND THE CHESAPEAKE BAY

Neither can hit a baseball, but while one economically crippled an entire baseball team the other is the centerpiece of an entire state’s economy. Much like the Chesapeake, Jason’s FanGraphs page of late is full of absolute garbage. While the Chesapeake’s career as a body of water has remained the same for over 400 years, Jason has struggled to maintain production for longer than four or five. There are obvious similarities, but it’s not for sure.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 53%

MICHAEL AND JASON BOURN(E)

“But it’s not even spelled the same!”, you might protest. These are two absurdly fast individuals who excel at stealing things without getting caught. Sure, Jason has to deal with the entire European police force on a daily basis, but don’t act like Michael stealing on Yadier Molina isn’t just as dangerous. One might also point out that Jason Bourne isn’t even his real name oh wait did I just spoil the entire series for you whooooooooooooooops

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 82%

Part 5: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Click here for Part 4.

***

WILLIE AND NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Can we first just notice that Willie’s bat in that picture has Francisco Cordero’s name on it and discuss the implications of that? How unprepared was Willie for his picture day that he had to get a customized bat from another player that also happens to be a relief pitcher? Like WHAT ?! Anyway, this one is a serious stretch. Interracial is doable when it comes to ATR’s, but once you start measuring career accomplishments, it gets a little foggy. While Neil was named one of Time Magazine’s 100 most influential people in 2010, Willie was busy finishing up his time as a National with an abysmal .653 OPS. The immense difference in overall success between these two is the most telling factor.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 2%

JOHN AND RONALD McDONALD

As usual, the poses are essential in evaluating the connection. John is now with the Pirates, filling the super utility role with #grace and #sparkle. But has John inspired/scared/helped millions of people worldwide? Most definitely not. Ronald has touched kids lives across the nation in more ways that we want to know, and he has the clear edge when it comes to universal impact. In 2003, Ronald was given the “Chief Happiness Officer” of McDonald’s Corporation. Also in 2003, John slugged .280 as an Indian. Yeah, no.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 9%

BRANDON AND THE LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Do we really need to debate this? I guess it’s a bit hard to comprehend that Brandon is related to every single shameless girl that plays in this league. But as a whole, this is as clear as ever. Brandon is that crazy reliever with the crazier tattoos and the craziest hair. The Lingerie Football League is that crazy league with the crazier football and the craziest rules. Case closed.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 99.99999%