What Has Changed About Chris Davis ?

This past January, Baseball Prospectus’ Sam Miller explored the possibility of former Orioles slugger Mark Reynolds having a very unfortunate visual deficiency. It got me thinking.

Baltimore Orioles first baseman/designated hitter/occasional disastrous right fielder Chris Davis is off to an unbelievable start to the 2013 season. Through 14 games and 58 humble plate appearances, Davis is slugging a comical .784 with 20 RBI and 6 dingers. In 2011, split between Texas and Baltimore, Davis drove in 18 runs and hit 5 dingers over 210 plate appearances. Last year, he broke out in a full season with the O’s, blasting 33 home runs and driving in 85. He’s always had big time raw power, but it’s never translated to this extent.  So what changed? What has changed about Chris Davis that has turned him into a true middle-of-the-order threat? 

It had to be something subtle, I pondered. He hasn’t developed a new approach or magically acquired improved hand-eye coordination to help reduce the strikeouts. I believe Chris Davis has actually eliminated a part of his game in order to improve his performance.

After nearly a full 10 minutes of research, I’ve concluded that Chris Davis has decided to stop blinking. It seems hard to comprehend, but the evidence is overwhelming. Let’s take a look back at Davis’ days as a Texas Ranger.

Here are some conveniently timed screenshots of Chris Davis participating in interviews as a Ranger:

blink 1  blink 5

Here is Chris Davis blinking, or being a pervert:

blink 3

Here is Chris Davis blinking in front of his locker (notice his abysmal numbers through 45 games):

blink 6

Here is a frustrated Chris Davis blinking:

blink 4

Here is Chris Davis blinking after hitting a home run:

blink 2

Here is Chris Davis probably blinking:

blink 7

***

So we’ve identified the problem. Has Davis really fixed this horrendous flaw in his game?

Here is Chris Davis not blinking as two female fans admire his biceps:

Here is Chris Davis showcasing his new and improved eternal stare:

Here is Chris Davis not blinking while being interviewed during spring training:

Here is Chris Davis shirtless and still not blinking:

“You thought I was gonna blink, right? Wrong.”

I rest my case, your honor.

.gifs From Last Night: The Matt Wieters Walk-Off Grand Slam

Orioles-Rays

  • No one combines athleticism with awkwardness better than Orioles catcher Matt Wieters.
  • Last night, Wieters put it all together with the bases bolstered in the underside of the 10th and launched the rawhide up into the bleachers in right.
  • Everyone loves a walk-off. Everyone loves a grand slam. Everyone loves a free lunch. Two out of three ain’t bad.
  • If you haven’t yet heard one of the most awesome walk-off calls in recent memory please go do so now. “The ballgame is over” Straight. Up. Monotoned. Beauty.
  • Happiness is awesome. Look at Machado’s face. Watch Chris Dickerson bernie his way out of the shot. Watch Markakis get his head almost clobbered by someone’s ass.

Dorks

The Cespedes Family Barbecue 2013 Season Previews

Yes, we’re already two weeks into the season.

But we’re lazy/busy high school teenagers that are working with a seven hour time difference soooooooooooooooooooo

Here, in all their glory, are the team by team previews for the 2013 season. They include haikus, CFB names, .gifs, puns, and horrible, horrible jokes. We hope you enjoy.

Click on the team name to see the preview (duh).

AL EAST

Baltimore Orioles

Boston Red Sox

New York Yankees

Tampa Bay Rays

Toronto Blue Jays

AL CENTRAL

Chicago White Sox

Cleveland Indians

Detroit Tigers

Kansas City Royals

Minnesota Twins

AL WEST

Houston Astros

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Oakland Athletics

Seattle Mariners

Texas Rangers

NL EAST

Atlanta Braves

Miami Marlins

New York Mets

Philadelphia Phillies

Washington Nationals

NL CENTRAL

Chicago Cubs

Cincinnati Reds

Milwaukee Brewers

Pittsburgh Pirates

St. Louis Cardinals

NL WEST

Arizona Diamondbacks

Colorado Rockies

Los Angeles Dodgers

San Diego Padres

San Francisco Giants

Happy 27th Birthday Dexter Fowler !

Today is CLOLorado Rockies CF Dexter Fowler’s 27th birthday. He is my favorite player. Let’s celebrate.

Fowler is a switch hitting outfielder with plenty of range and a whole lot of offensive potential. He walks a lot, strikes out a lot, and has a decently attractive wife.  He’s also one of the more interesting players in baseball to watch off the field. This has been a very limited scouting report on Dexter Fowler. More importantly, here are some of my favorite pictures of Dexter Fowler:

Here are .gifs of Dexter Fowler doing the Cat Daddy and the Dougie:

Happy 32nd Birthday Bobby Jenks !

Yesterday, Pi Day, was free agent relief pitcher Bobby Jenks’ 32nd birthday. I don’t have very much to say because he’s fat and probably won’t pitch again in the majors, but I wanna celebrate anyway. Also,  I’ll never forget his dominance in the 2005 World Series.

Here are some of my favorite pictures of Bobby Jenks:

Here is a .gif of Bobby Jenks doing a PSA about children’s safety:

Happy 33rd Birthday Dan Uggla !

Atlanta #BARVES second baseman Dan Uggla turns 33 today. He is the only second baseman ever to hit at least 3o home runs in five consecutive seasons, and HIS NAME IS DAN UGGLA.

Uggla is one of my personal favorite players, combining below-average defense, gargantuan chaw, and youth sized jerseys to create a consistent dose of baseball awesomeness. Here are some of my favorite pictures of Dan Uggla:

Here is a .gif of Dan Uggla drying his hair:

Happy Birthday, Dan.