Part 5: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

***

WILLIE AND NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Can we first just notice that Willie’s bat in that picture has Francisco Cordero’s name on it and discuss the implications of that? How unprepared was Willie for his picture day that he had to get a customized bat from another player that also happens to be a relief pitcher? Like WHAT ?! Anyway, this one is a serious stretch. Interracial is doable when it comes to ATR’s, but once you start measuring career accomplishments, it gets a little foggy. While Neil was named one of Time Magazine’s 100 most influential people in 2010, Willie was busy finishing up his time as a National with an abysmal .653 OPS. The immense difference in overall success between these two is the most telling factor.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 2%

JOHN AND RONALD McDONALD

As usual, the poses are essential in evaluating the connection. John is now with the Pirates, filling the super utility role with #grace and #sparkle. But has John inspired/scared/helped millions of people worldwide? Most definitely not. Ronald has touched kids lives across the nation in more ways that we want to know, and he has the clear edge when it comes to universal impact. In 2003, Ronald was given the “Chief Happiness Officer” of McDonald’s Corporation. Also in 2003, John slugged .280 as an Indian. Yeah, no.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 9%

BRANDON AND THE LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Do we really need to debate this? I guess it’s a bit hard to comprehend that Brandon is related to every single shameless girl that plays in this league. But as a whole, this is as clear as ever. Brandon is that crazy reliever with the crazier tattoos and the craziest hair. The Lingerie Football League is that crazy league with the crazier football and the craziest rules. Case closed.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 99.99999%

Happy 25th Birthday Dee Gordon !

Apr22 by Jordan Shusterman

Today is Los Angeles Dodgers shortstop Dee Gordon’s 25th birthday. Let’s talk about Dee Gordon.

Devaris “Dee” Strange-Gordon (no seriously, that’s his name) was born in Florida. He is the son of former major league pitcher Tom Gordon, who had a lengthy and rather successful career for eight different teams. Dee was drafted by the Dodgers in the 4th round of the 2008 draft. Here’s most of what you should know about Dee Gordon as a baseball player: he has the body of a malnourished 14 year old, he has true 80 grade speed, and he can occasionally make amazing plays at short. There’s seriously not much else to know besides that one time he hit an upper deck bomb at Coors Field because Rockies. Even with that lone homer, Gordon has slugged a remarkable .315 through 563 career plate appearances. Let’s take a look at some of our favorite pictures of Dee Gordon.

Here is a .gif of Dee Gordon stealing a jacket from Matt Kemp:

Here is a .gif of Matt Kemp getting payback:

These Cleats Are Made For Walking: An Update

Apr22 by Jordan Shusterman

Happy Monday, everybody. We’re three weeks into the season. Here’s a fun stat that means almost nothing:

Through a total of 598 plate appearances, Welington Castillo, Carlos Gomez, A.J. Pollock, Chris Getz, Rajai Davis, Erick Aybar, Rick Ankiel, Collin Cowgill, Erik Kratz, Daniel Descalso, Dayan Viciedo, Ryan Flaherty and Jeff Keppinger have combined for an astoundingly hilarious ZERO WALKS.

We’ll check back in again next Monday.

.gifs From Last Night: Scary Francona

Apr21 by jakemintz

Indians-Astros

The Cleveland Outdated Racisms scored 14 runs in the first two innings. Everyone loves the runs. Jason Giambi hit a double which required more running than he had done in years. Cleveland ended up putting 19 runs which is also a lot of runs. And everyone loves the runs. But none of this was enough to cheer up grumpy Scary Francona who is seen below journeying from the dugout to yell at the young geezers who were running on his lawn.

.gifs From Last Night: Madison’s Apples

Apr20 by jakemintz

Giants-Padres

Angel Pagan’s walk off double overshadowed a more poignant and breathtaking moment in yesterday’s Padres Giants game. Notice the sharp break on the adam’s apple as it gets closer to the plate. That is at least a 7 curve on his neck. I certainly hope Madison didn’t swallow anything dangerous because it kinda looks that way.

What Has Changed About Chris Davis ?

Apr19 by Jordan Shusterman

This past January, Baseball Prospectus’ Sam Miller explored the possibility of former Orioles slugger Mark Reynolds having a very unfortunate visual deficiency. It got me thinking.

Baltimore Orioles first baseman/designated hitter/occasional disastrous right fielder Chris Davis is off to an unbelievable start to the 2013 season. Through 14 games and 58 humble plate appearances, Davis is slugging a comical .784 with 20 RBI and 6 dingers. In 2011, split between Texas and Baltimore, Davis drove in 18 runs and hit 5 dingers over 210 plate appearances. Last year, he broke out in a full season with the O’s, blasting 33 home runs and driving in 85. He’s always had big time raw power, but it’s never translated to this extent. So what changed? What has changed about Chris Davis that has turned him into a true middle-of-the-order threat?

It had to be something subtle, I pondered. He hasn’t developed a new approach or magically acquired improved hand-eye coordination to help reduce the strikeouts. I believe Chris Davis has actually eliminated a part of his game in order to improve his performance.

After nearly a full 10 minutes of research, I’ve concluded that Chris Davis has decided to stop blinking. It seems hard to comprehend, but the evidence is overwhelming. Let’s take a look back at Davis’ days as a Texas Ranger.

Here are some conveniently timed screenshots of Chris Davis participating in interviews as a Ranger:

Here is Chris Davis blinking, or being a pervert:

Here is Chris Davis blinking in front of his locker (notice his abysmal numbers through 45 games):

Here is a frustrated Chris Davis blinking:

Here is Chris Davis blinking after hitting a home run:

Here is Chris Davis probably blinking:

***

So we’ve identified the problem. Has Davis really fixed this horrendous flaw in his game?

Here is Chris Davis not blinking as two female fans admire his biceps:

Here is Chris Davis showcasing his new and improved eternal stare:

Here is Chris Davis not blinking while being interviewed during spring training:

Here is Chris Davis shirtless and still not blinking:

“You thought I was gonna blink, right? Wrong.”

I rest my case, your honor.

.gifs From Last Night: The Matt Wieters Walk-Off Grand Slam

Apr19 by jakemintz

Orioles-Rays

No one combines athleticism with awkwardness better than Orioles catcher Matt Wieters.
Last night, Wieters put it all together with the bases bolstered in the underside of the 10th and launched the rawhide up into the bleachers in right.
Everyone loves a walk-off. Everyone loves a grand slam. Everyone loves a free lunch. Two out of three ain’t bad.
If you haven’t yet heard one of the most awesome walk-off calls in recent memory please go do so now. “The ballgame is over” Straight. Up. Monotoned. Beauty.
Happiness is awesome. Look at Machado’s face. Watch Chris Dickerson bernie his way out of the shot. Watch Markakis get his head almost clobbered by someone’s ass.

Dorks

.gifs From Last Night: Rockies Highlights

Apr18 by jakemintz

It’s okay Rockies fans. Your team may not be good, but at least your stomachs are satisfied.

Yes Denver, it is time to rejoice. You get tacos.

The Result of Watching A Tigers-Mariners Game at 1:45 AM

Apr18 by Jordan Shusterman

Andy Dirks?

more like

ANDY DERPS

BAM

I should really go to sleep.

The Cespedes Family Barbecue 2013 Season Previews

Apr18 by Jordan Shusterman

Yes, we’re already two weeks into the season.

But we’re lazy/busy high school teenagers that are working with a seven hour time difference soooooooooooooooooooo

Here, in all their glory, are the team by team previews for the 2013 season. They include haikus, CFB names, .gifs, puns, and horrible, horrible jokes. We hope you enjoy.

Click on the team name to see the preview (duh).

AL EAST

AL CENTRAL